‘God showed how much he loved us by sending his one and only Son into the world so that we might have eternal life through him. This is real love – not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins.’ ~ 1 John 4: 9 – 10

If you grew up in church, you may be used to being told that God loves you. I remember being told this so many times growing up as a child and even as a teenager. However, if I am honest, after a while it just felt like a cute phrase that Christians said to each other. I didn’t get it; I didn’t understand God’s love and why He loved me. People always told me that He did but would never explain why, and me being the curious person I am, I always wanted to know why.

The more I learnt about God and how amazing He is, the less it made sense that God would love me. I would often look up to heaven in awe of what I learnt about God through the bible, and then I would look at myself and be so confused and somewhat frustrated. I was convinced that God did not really know me and everything I had done, because in my mind that was the only logical way, He could love me. I was incredibly critical of myself and the shame of my past and not being ‘perfect’ just made me feel so undeserving of God’s love. The more I focused on my flaws and criticised myself, hoping it would motivate me to change, I found that I slowly began to withdraw from God and stopped spending time with Him. I had concluded that God couldn’t love this version of me, God couldn’t love me as I am, I had to work on myself and then come back to God. Spoiler Alert – it didn’t work.  I became so disheartened trying to become someone I thought would be deserving of love and of God’s love, and sometimes it made me feel like I was losing my mind. It created such a deep sadness within me that I couldn’t even express to anyone around me. It was deeper than insecurities, I honestly began to briefly despise myself, because I had decided that I just couldn’t be worthy of God’s love.

This struggle for perfection went on for a while before I finally broke down before God and cried for Him to make me perfect because I couldn’t do it by myself. Now, I am sure that God was happy to have me come back into his presence again, but it must have broken his heart to see me beating myself down and trying to change everything about myself so that I could be ‘better’. I would do such stupid stuff like trying to be quieter and more reserved because I thought that was how a Christian was supposed to behave. People would always ask what was wrong because I’m usually one of the loudest people in the room. That was who I am, and I was trying to alter some of the most beautiful parts of myself, pursuing a false and unbiblical standard of perfection. After that day I broke down and cried to God, He began to teach me how Christianity was not a call to perfection, but a cry for help. A cry from us to God that we need his help, and an invitation into our lives so that we can receive the help that we need. Most importantly, it invites us into the wonderful unconditional love of God, which did not demand change for me to be loved, but loved me just as I was and just as I am. The love of God is not subject to the way we feel about him or whether we believe in Jesus. Whether you believe in Mohammed, follow Buddha or don’t believe in God at all, God loves you, just as you are right now. I know it sounds crazy and I am still learning to accept God’s love for what it is, unconditional.

In a world where love and help often come with conditions and is more like a transaction. It is hard to accept love can come without strings attached, no small prints, just love in its purest form, not requiring anything back. The bible says in Romans 5: 6 – 8 (NLT): ‘When we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died for us sinners.’ Now, most people would not be willing to die for a person who is good. However, God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners. This explains God’s love and shows us how before we did anything for God before we even chose to follow him, He already chose us. God took a risk on us. He demonstrated the greatest act of love and sent His Son to die for us, without ever having a guarantee that we would choose Him back. This is the love that changed my life. I would definitely not say that I am perfect now, but I have definitely grown in my faith in Jesus. I have grown because of His love; I have changed by the power of the love of Jesus. The love of God does not require you to change, but it changes you in the most beautiful ways. I don’t obey God so that He will love me, I obey him as a way to express my love to Him. When you love someone, you want to do everything you can to please them and the same is true with our relationship with God.

One mistake I made was magnifying myself and my flaws and making them bigger than God. Despite reading the Bible and learning about God, I tried to use my own understanding and experience to rationalise God’s love and it led me to believe that I didn’t deserve it. However, when we look in the Bible, we find a beautiful love story which shows again and again that we are loved by God and that He decided that we are worth such a great sacrifice. We might not necessarily deserve the love of God, but it’s yours! God loves loving you and that is that. God loves you because He is love; love is who He is. Romans 8: 35 – 39 teaches us that nothing can separate us from the love of God, not death or life or demons or angels or anything at all. God’s love for you is eternal just as He is. So, please understand this, if you have found yourself striving to be loved by God and have decided that God couldn’t love you, God loves you, right now and right here. He isn’t waiting for you to change, transform, nothing. Just as you are, you are loved!

‘God showed how much he loved us by sending his one and only Son into the world so that we might have eternal life through him. This is real love – not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins.’ ~ 1 John 4: 9 – 10

Stay Blessed x